Let us begin

This past week was a busy, busy week for me.  I'm getting the momentum in looking for jobs that might interest me.  It is tedious work, but I must apply for 3 jobs a week in order to have unemployment pay me.  So, I figure, I will fill out the applications and send my resume.

Deep inside, I KNOW 'They'(Guides, Higher Self, Creator) won't give my job to someone else. It's the tedium of the paperwork. Abraham Hicks would say that I should focus on 'general', since this focus on 'what is' [the fact I have no job] is highly disturbing. I do have periods of just watching it and not reacting to it.

I'm listening to Abraham.
I'm starting Tai Chi class and re-starting Nia class.
I'm walking 4 times a week (with the goal to be walking everyday!).
I'm visiting with new friends and other friends who are closer to a 'circle' for me.
I'm inspired to study Tarot and Crystals and am looking for the right class at the right price.
I'm working on my house and really diving into de-clutter. It feels so fresh!
I'm working on ideas for a new group discussion on Sacred Feminine.
I'm doing self-reiki, meditation, and working with my Guides.
I'm doing serious inner work on my Inner Child and my Moon energy.
I'm getting back to my magickal calling.

This week, I started Tai Chi.  It is slow and graceful, but I swear it is HOT.  I was sweating down my pants after that class!  But, I want to continue--see if it gets easier to flow.  I felt every joint and muscle that was contracted and not used to flow.  Hopefully with more practice, those muscles will lengthen and be limber.

I had my 4-week post-op appointment with the surgeon.  I'm officially released!  I lost 15 pounds.  I guess you can say that watermelon-sized benign tumor was 15 pounds. Also, my white blood count was great--no infections!  My hemoglobin was perfect--so, my energy is pouring back in.

Also, I got a part-time job at Macy's in the mattress department 12-20 hours/week.  I was honest to let them know that I was looking for permanent full time work and that my hours will most likely change in the near term. But, I figure it is a good 'distraction' from negative thoughts and emotions.  And, I can have some income.

I don't know exactly when I will move back into my house.  Probably this next weekend.  I'm ready to be home.  Mollie is definitely ready to be home.

Change is good. Let us begin where we are.

What is worth it?

I'm undergoing initiation, says Blue Thunder Woman, Denise Iwaniw (from a personal session we had in April).  My mind and spirit know that this is a time of great transformation.  I lost my job. I had major surgery. I let go of one toxic friendship. One (close) friend has 'wandered away'/developed other interests. I feel alone. Lost. Not sure which way I want to go. I'm anxious for stability.  I want good friends to help me when I'm wobbly and unstable. 

I don't understand why I have to be so alone.

And guess what?? I'm still living at mom and dad's house.  I haven't officially moved back home yet. I'm dreading that, too.  At least here, I have people.  I can go to the other room and be with people. I know people will be looking for me to come home at some point. I'm really anxious when I go back home full time. Who will give a shit where I go or when I come back?

STABILITY is what I need. ROUTINE.  'Yes' or 'No'.

Shouldn't I be better equipped for this? I've had periods of 'out on my own'. And it was @#$% scary.  I felt like I never belonged--that I was alien in a place that everyone else was comfortable.
1. When I went to summer camp.
2. When I went to college.
3. When I moved away for my first job.
4. After break-ups.

This time, I guess, it's all about me starting over.  Maybe a reset button?!  I know that I'm not totally alone.  There are a few people I can call just to chat.  But, I certainly don't have anyone close anymore.

This is drifting time. Uncluttering time.

And, I'm doing that at my home.  Before I move back in, I want to have a substantial change in the energy and environment.

Simplify.

Where do I start with the emotions? The loneliness and anxiety? The reset button was pushed. Here I am. Where the #$%^ do I go? And, what is it worth??

Recovery

Ananda: Listen to Your Bliss:

I'm still recovering from surgery (May 22), but my mind is restless to get moving again.  My body is progressing very well, just like I 'affirmed' during many reiki and meditation 'pre paving' sessions.  Everything went so well during surgery and after that I should be elated and beaming--all the time. 

Instead, I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  Understanding my body's need for a slow 'return to normal', I am doing fairly well with gradual and incremental movement. I'd rather just hop to it, and I sometimes overdo it.  Perhaps that is a catalyst for my frustration, loneliness, and longing.

I completely understand WHY I had a watermelon-sized mass in my abdomen and why I needed surgery. Truly, there was only one flickering moment that I was afraid.  But, then, I was 'put under', and the rest was kismet.

1. Surgery was scheduled for 6-8 hours.  They were finished in 2.5!
2. What CAT scan showed as 'softball sized' mass was revealed during surgery to be a 'watermelon'!    
3. My pain level was really low--having only one 'bad day' of pain in the hospital.
4. I went home after 3 days. [Most stays for my surgery are 5 days.]
5. I was off  Percocet in 7 days.
6. At the two-week post surgery mark, I'm taking multiple walks each day.  I've been out of the house with a driver (still can't yet drive) to run some errands.

So, why the emotions so radicalized?

Not only have I given up some organs (and a watermelon-sized alien--LOL), I've also given up a draining, unsupportive friendship AND I've had a positive, close friendship kind of wander slowly away. I've been feeling totally ALONE and BEHIND--that somehow I've missed out or am missing out. That I've been left behind.

The Truth [that my Spirit knows] is that I'm a different wave on a huge ocean. Maybe those friendship 'waves' are heading to Africa or Asia for some purpose.  But, maybe my wave is needed in the Caribbean for some purpose. I've been mourning my direction. WHY?  The Caribbean is freaking awesome!

Maybe our waves will meet again. Maybe we'll go in the same directions sometime in the future.  It is all possible, since we're all riding the high seas of Life.

But, now I can look for land, appreciate the clear, warm sun, and enjoy the warm salty air as I roll, float, and crest toward my Caribbean paradise.

Thank you, beautiful Cardinal for your gift of kundalini fire energy.