I'm undergoing initiation, says Blue Thunder Woman, Denise Iwaniw (from a personal session we had in April). My mind and spirit know that this is a time of great transformation. I lost my job. I had major surgery. I let go of one toxic friendship. One (close) friend has 'wandered away'/developed other interests. I feel alone. Lost. Not sure which way I want to go. I'm anxious for stability. I want good friends to help me when I'm wobbly and unstable.
I don't understand why I have to be so alone.
And guess what?? I'm still living at mom and dad's house. I haven't officially moved back home yet. I'm dreading that, too. At least here, I have people. I can go to the other room and be with people. I know people will be looking for me to come home at some point. I'm really anxious when I go back home full time. Who will give a shit where I go or when I come back?
STABILITY is what I need. ROUTINE. 'Yes' or 'No'.
Shouldn't I be better equipped for this? I've had periods of 'out on my own'. And it was @#$% scary. I felt like I never belonged--that I was alien in a place that everyone else was comfortable.
1. When I went to summer camp.
2. When I went to college.
3. When I moved away for my first job.
4. After break-ups.
This time, I guess, it's all about me starting over. Maybe a reset button?! I know that I'm not totally alone. There are a few people I can call just to chat. But, I certainly don't have anyone close anymore.
This is drifting time. Uncluttering time.
And, I'm doing that at my home. Before I move back in, I want to have a substantial change in the energy and environment.
Simplify.
Where do I start with the emotions? The loneliness and anxiety? The reset button was pushed. Here I am. Where the #$%^ do I go? And, what is it worth??
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